This...

I cannot actually find the words to describe it... so I will lay it out straight.

My journal has been breached.

Not just breached, but... violated.

The people who know me.
Knew me.
Will one day know me and know me better.
Know that the one thing you never.
Ever.
mutherfucking EVER.
mess with is my mind.

Don't touch it.

You can break me. It's just flesh.
You can taunt me, deride me, defile me. Drive me insane. It's just words.
My mind is my own.
My thoughts, my own.
My dreams, my visions, my nightmares, my fantasies, my opinions, my schemes, my delusions.

All mine.

ALL THE FUCK MINE.


People I have not approved of know my identity. And while it may not seem to be such a big deal to the people who watch this journal (all 0 of you), it is all I have. This journal is set up to make it impossible to access my identity. Period. For a reason. 

I... I am just so hurt by this. And it is a small lost feeling, because I loved, and I trusted, the organization that did it.



I will post the journal that I am currently (still, lol) working on for the Hawai'i trip from this summer. And then I will no longer post to this journal.



I apologize, I made a foolish mistake.

Emotional Leanings: calm

You know it's been so long since you've been in marching band that you've forgotten how much you hated football when you're watching The Music Man and all you can comment on is how awesome their corners are. For the record... I hated playing piccolo, but the power for evil in that tiny instrument was overwhelming.

Also. today was suck-tastic. more on that later.

Emotional Leanings: cold

we wound ourselves with little knives
sit up and beg for more
like yellow dogs in summer-time
we swim to reach the shore

remorse! remorse!
i call it jest
to give my all, so nihil yet
i sharpen my little knives
prey for forgiveness
and watch me bleed again

the sickness in my belly
grew dragon's beard and fangs
devoured the holy pearl
put all the tears to shame
pain you call it
i call it love

given sought impression
he waves to return
like salt against the glass
in prism colors burns
tree-tops whisper nothing
the wind is in decay

alas! alas!
i had no card to play
looks like the organ grinder
will never go away
the little knives that wound us tight
splinter like dandy-lions play

Emotional Leanings: apathetic

I don't know why, but I have lived in music my entire life. Both of my parents sing, all the time, in the car, in the kitchen, everywhere. All three of us, the children/offspring/spawn sing as well. Loudly. Sometimes off-key, although since all of us also can read music and have played with an ensemble, that happens rarely. But I wake to music, I lay myself down to sleep to sleep with it in my head. Sometimes it is so loud I can't think. I hear music when others speak, sometimes people have their own themes songs.
A friend, well, more a friendly acquaintance, said that it surprised him that I sang in the car. I couldn't understand why. But I agree it might not be the most obvious choice for someone who likes to sing... Strike that, why wouldn't I be? I don't think I look that solemn, or that... uppity? Is that the word I'm searching for? I sing constantly, in the shower, in the kitchen, in the office, in the car. I am the proverbial music junkie. I will listen to anything, anywhere, and usually enjoy it. Classic country, classic rock, heavy metal and j-pop all reside on my hard-drive, side by side with Celtic drums and bagpipes, guitar and opera.
I sometimes wonder if wearing a mp3 player on my walk to class is going to get me killed at some point... I get the insane urge to dance. I turn it down so that it matches the volume in my head. You can tell what kind of music I'm listening to by the tempo of my walk.

Music is in my soul, from the moment I wake, 'til I go to bed,
it sounds in furious tempo in the heart and in the head...

Emotional Leanings: busy

Today I had my first last class of the semester, Human Rights. The topic was sexual minorities and their rights... and I still don't get it. I argued readily for the rights of gays and lesbians. I was careful to cite biological examples outside of the human species to support my attitudes (such as dominance homosexuality, spontaneous reproductive changes of imbalanced gender populations, and also the prevalence of homosexuality outside of the human species) , and though I wasn't quite honest enough to declare my bisexual bias for use as a weapon in the debate, I was vehement in my defense of the rights of gays and lesbians to marry. Back-story.
So what I really don't understand is why it all matters. Why are Christians (and I'm not saying that it's all or only Christians, but they do seem to be a vocal majority on this issue) so upset? I thought that souls had no sex? So how can a human really be classified as male or female if we're talking about a person? I understand the sex of an animal, and HUMANS ARE ANIMALS, that I admit, it being such a fundamental truth and all (and someone ELSE in class brought that up, if she'd been sitting beside me, I would have kissed her... well sitting beside me and not involved in a discussion on homosexuality, that might have been a tad inappropriate) (Hurray for my insane pet peeves!) but according to Christian literature, animals have no souls. This is a huge problem for me, to discuss, anyway, because I have never cared a wit about a person's sex if they love each other. Or enjoy it. Or aren't hurting anyone.
So all I'm really trying to get at here is that if a soul has no sex, and humans are the only animals that have a soul... then how can you possibly endanger your soul by being a gay or lesbian? Conundrum.

And 60% of marriages end in divorce. The sacredness of marriage has been in question for far longer than this Prop 8 nonsense.

But all of this is really unhelpful for me, I mean, I'm anti-marriage (for myself, I think it's great for other people who love each other and do not have a crippling fear of commitment and a completely selfish attitude about their personal space) so it really really doesn't make any sense for people not to be able to wed whom they wish.

I am eventually going to have to accept the fact the comprehension of discrimination is completely beyond me on a personal level. I can understand it logically, but otherwise I simply don't get it.

Emotional Leanings: confused